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Thu, Mar. 31st, 2005, 10:27 am
coco_jimo: A dark hole in a light place... welcome me...I am despair

I see light all around...
But the darkness won't let go of its hold on me
and I slowly begin to give in
to the feeling that lies below the limpid surface.
The deep cool waters start to fill my lungs,
lungs that once held so much life
that now allow murky waters to take its place.

I know that this path doesn't lead anywhere..
Why doesn't someone grab my hand
and pull me from dark's grasp?
I give in to the things that hold me
All of the strength and all of the courage
that I once held in my heart
can't save me from the water so deep..so dark

So I slowly slip below the waking world
undetected by the spirits of this place
I don't want to fight anymore
I've given into darkness

Sat, Mar. 26th, 2005, 08:26 am
shamballah: trip to india

im going to quit university, leave home, gather some money and go to india to smoke opium, its the way i found to cheat on life, in order not to kill myself.
baaaahhh, i just needed to talk about it, cause i wont talk of it to my father right?, i just told him im going to india. wanna join this trip? im going within a year, just the time to gather some money :P

Mon, Feb. 28th, 2005, 11:55 am
poet_demas: A list of damaged products I bought...


  • whore from Mexico. She had some viral infection that I would rather not talk about.
  • three pornographic dvds that were supposedly sent with good care. I also got a  letter from some place with a boot mark on it...thanks a lot postal people.
  • a blow up doll with a hole other than the two that I'm supposed to use.
  • a broken condom. 'nuff said
  • a good luck charm that didn't seem to have any luck at all...
  • two pornographic magazines which had their pages stuck together. never again ebay.
  • a michael jackson figure with its nose broken off (it came free with a porcelain doll of little boy fishing {odd}


Wed, Feb. 16th, 2005, 12:28 pm
poet_demas: We got off on the wrong foot....


Santa Greg came into town this morning hollering and bubbering about how he was the god of the little shits he drowned on the loading docks in the morning and I was drunker than  hell. Stan was there hanging from the ledge looking down into the death waves and he chucked a little to himself about the pain of life and the glory of dying. We didn't take anymore drugs this week, Hector, a stud about twenty something took them all and he shot up this jackle man full of junk. I swear the fucker just collapsed on the floor and vanished into thin air. Dead. They always were, weren't they Jen? and I was with them in the fucking mess of it all because I knew that I killed them and that I wanted them that way.

The angel went away after the overdose and the narcotic man sniffed the last of the cocaine. I wasn't in any mood of writing this weekend and then I just spat up syllables that twisted themselves into sentences of destruction. Who was it that said an artist without an art is only destructive. I've been that way my whole life...haven't I?

The town is filled with pedopriest preaching the commandments and loittering about the chief witness of hell and how heaven can only be achieved by killing those who don't believe.

The president has been elected and he has led the chosen army into foreign lands and has conquered the weak and slain the poor. Nobody talks in the invisible rooms anymore, they just float around in the darkness and I was there with them and not with them at the same time.

I can't do this anymore--the drugs are too much and I'm but a lonely man lost in the isle of death and chaos. I hope this letter makes it to you. I so badly want to return home.

Yours always,


Fri, Feb. 11th, 2005, 09:51 pm
misterkris: (no subject)

ill randomize

the timer's on
i think they're coming
to cross away my intentions
but i really am going to explode
don't wait around to put me back together
i don't expect you to
i realize you're away
at the preacher's
you belong there i guess
you stole yourself from me
i've never forgiven you
you should've stayed
or asked me to join you
we would've gone to the same place
back then
now i don't know
i assume i'm immortal
beacuse by now i would have drowned
you're the cause
of every explosion
every flood
every disruption
and i wish it was me
sitting in your present
watching over you
living breathing lying
on the grass.
that is how i still remember you now
and i recollect the past
to form the present
your memory is my siamese twin
i know your every wink
every freckle
every breath
your first
your last
right before me.
and i wish i would

Fri, Jan. 28th, 2005, 01:10 am
xphileceleste: (no subject)

do you ever feel like crying because you have to do something you know you have to do.. but you dont wanna do...

this is how i feel... ..

when i have to do the laundry...
when i have to do the dishes....
when i put the rope around my neck.. ..
when i put the blade against my skin...
when i put the bottle to my mouth... ..

Thu, Jan. 27th, 2005, 06:33 pm
missstickykiss: (no subject)

hesnot alex anymore.....he would never hurt me like this. we were engaged....my husband...i miss him....
cyber dog changed him....the people and atmosphere got to him practicly overnight.i thought he was stronger than that.my baby wouldnt hurt me. he isnt my baby.....im going to need to get the strength to jump. because i cannot handle this...i just cant...i havnt even accepted he........is gone yet.the only way i lull myself from tears is to think of ending it.its safe. im sorry to ppl who read this and think im weak or stupid but this is MY diary. after seeing leanne today i was going to jump i had it planned but she cancelled...my whole plan was messed up..i love alex more than ive ever loved anyone and i cannot tolerate his absence.its our 2 year annaversary on the 5th..if hes not with me...the sweet, loving, wonderful man i want to marry and father my children...unless he comes to my door to hold me and love me...its the end for me...

he said its my fault,he turned it around on me. insted of telling me he needed space he made it my fault, because i didnt care for him enough, aparently i drained all his energy..i dont see how. ive been as loving and caring as always but it was only recently had a problem.he told me he wanted to move out,that i could come if i wanted,so as hurt as i was, i said ok, then he chose the flat i really hated (he said it was a joint choice) but it wasnt, then he said that i couldnt be there because it was a single room, wich i didnt know.
he had planned to leave me for months and was manipulating it all for months, then he told me he didnt want to be vegi nemore because he wasnt "an eco-warrior" (on this issue, he went vegi of his own accord, he spoke out aginst cruelty on his own, he supported me in my lobbying, and when i asked him if he did it for me he said no he did it because it was the right thing, but it turned out he did it so id fuck him)

he promiced me he would never leave me...the night we had a huge fight,he told me "no, i will never leave you"
it turns out he has been lieing to me for so long....his way of leaving me was to cut me out of his life,he said hed call me on wen and didnt talk to me since. the messages i have receved about meeting to talk have brokrn my heart.... he said "im not your sweetheart anmore,just accept that" he wont even give me the decency to leave me to my face, in person wich i deserve fter two years, he wont give an explanation or anything, so im stuck with no answers, heartbroken and so very alone being told its my fault..i need to talk to him but he wont acknowledge i exist

i love him. and need him otherwise its over.

how far up do you have to be for a jump to be fatal?

Wed, Jan. 19th, 2005, 06:53 pm
clandestine_ana: Am I in hell, or is this a nightmare?

I'm at loss for words,
when it comes to describing the past two days.

all I wanted was knowledge
A thinking processing, storing, retrieving, brain.

My own persona, self-bring is not to be trusted
as a logical judge of reality.
I'm torn between where I hope to be and where I am.
Giving up is a fat piece of raspberry chocolate cake
compared to living.
pyschology and religion wont help,
I can pray and talk my problems
to the air,
but that will not fix my lack of my non-existent motivation.
I dream of writing a book on anorexia and suicide,
or bulimia and depression.
I dream of acting
making the big lights of hollywood shin down on me.
I dream of knowing where I stand
and what I stand for.
I hope to give up on these childish fantasies
come back to reality, where my knees are to the ground
and I'm begging to be called by my name.

Some of it doesn't right, and I know I'm not the best poet,
but thats all I can say to explain my lack of _____.

My mom is hysterically crying, over ? She just broke up w/ her boyfriend for the 5th-10th time? I lost count.
I'm to blame I already know it...I'm so fucking self-centered, I slept all day because I didn't want to get up and deal w/ life
and then my mom comes home early to talk about last night, which basically was her guilt-tripping over her out burst rage. My friend A.J called me up around 5pm yesterday to see if I'd like to go to the park across from my house and make a fire in one of the shelters pits. I haven't been out of the house much in the past month, and it was raining lightly and such a perfect night, I couldn't avoid the offer. I called my mom because she's odd about knowing where I am and who I'm w/ at all moments...I told her about the fire pit and she said it was raining...and I had just fucked up on saturday for going to the vera project to volunteer w/o callign her before I left...bleh, to make the story go quicker...She told me on the phone maybe, and then wouldnt give me an answer untill she got home at 7pm, which is inconsiterate...AJ had already made the fire at 6:30 and was waiting for me by then...she then told me I couldnt go because she "knew" I'd be smoking and drinking and having sex, and what have you not...(which it was in truth AJ and I talking by the fire. Not doing anything scandy in the least bit!) I told her she could call my cell, or walk down and check on me if she was so parinod...she threatned to call the police if I left...ahah...it ended up her calling AJ's cell threatening to call his parents and complain...which she did and lied about a few things in the process...and AJ and I finally decided to go back after a short 20min of stressing out over her...she wouldn't pick up the phone(typical childish behavior of hers) and then when I got to the door I could see her in the window w/ her back turned and she wouldn't answer...I was just about ready to give up and go spend the night at a friends, when AJ tried coxing her through the door...which worked, and she opened and gave as an unblinking glare and spit fire into our faces about how im to irresponsibe and childish to go to the park w/ him....
Today she left me a note saying she felt bad that we can't get along...
but that I needed to follow her rules. She wanted me to go to lunch w/ her, but I refused because I already knew shed lecture me about how Im wrong and she is right. She came home early saying she couldn't stand being at work over this..but I believe it was her boyfriend Edgardo, who she felt so horrible about, and she took it out on me...fuck this...I feel like a bitch for telling her to stop her blubbering and get off the floor because its pathatic..but she does that often to me when im crying, and I dont want to feel sorry for her, because thats the reaction I think she wants from me...why else would she be hysterically crying so I can hear her through-out the entire 2 story house!!!!

I'm not going to weigh myself untill the end of the month...I've been binging and purging so my weight is probably up, last time I checked...sorry for letting you gals down on the fast...I haven't eaten a pinch today, and hopefully this drama will do me some good, if ya know what I mean.


Wed, Jan. 19th, 2005, 12:58 pm
deadguttergirl: (no subject)

gutter poetry at its finest~
she broke away from the pain
to become pain
now she exists through my poetry only
i can not convince her to die
she lives to far deep inside
she opens wounds like they are presents
and now shes got a gaping hole
or maybe thats her heart she picks at
she dont know but i do
shes left a empty space in my heart
and a bloody hole on my leg
it just wont go away
and poetry is my only way to pretend to show any emotion
i cant feel
no lie i exist through my poetry
and soon i hope she,it or i die

the broken dreams~
still inside myself i regret never coming out
a colder day brings me to notice i never really come out
scared by all the things in life that could happen
and do happen
i hate myself like a passion burning out
and i dream of death when it dont hurt those i love
so cold underneath the mooon that finds me quiet alone
and im dreaming up a warm place i can close my eyes and feel alright
and itll be nice
ill be pretty there and ill be queen
everyone will like me there
ill be the sun the light
not really i dont want all that i just wanna be seen and felt
and loved and all that
i think its just a broken dream itll never happen
but i hate myself to hope or wish
cuz to me to hope or wish is to be dead
im alot like dead
and dying still

this is a real long random thing i wrote like a week ago its not a poem just writing~
shelter me
i am being led into eternity of hell
i cant make my mind see life any different
should i always want to die
like a cold rain i feel it all the time
shadows telling me im no one
and i deserve all the pain
i dont feel worthy of the time i get to live
let alone the life im wasting
could i ever wake up and be a happy shiny person?
cuz these days are hard when i feel like im a failure
i trip to the sound of my heart beat longing for the numbness
but i gotta take a different route
im losing my mind trying to be so numb the red just looks like fun
im getting uglier
and the rose is fading in its beauty
shelter me from myself
i cant say no to the way my mind wants to fade
and its fading so fast to black
no one notices anymore
i guess i said it all to much
and im sorry
but i really am sad
i could count backwards but never forwards
showing myself the light i run back into the darkness
its like satan and jesus are fighting over my soul
the thing is satan can not win for my soul longs to see my dead cat on the other side
and that beats any twisted fantasies i have
let me go
i wont ever die to your side
im like a wounded bird
i cant fly i dream of being normal
but this i am not
im so scared of all thats out there
the world is evil now
and its not going to change
people killing babies like its ok
what the fuck is wrong with these people
taking lifes like there fucking god
evil enters me and i feel it grow
but as i see myself grow cold i have nothing to offer and so i return
my soul is nice but no one loves my face
i become faceless
and now i wish the mirror would leave me alone
its like being tortured every day
and im sick to my stomach i used to be pretty
now im so gone
and i feel nothing,but i felt it when you left
no one will ever take your place love
ive become a whore
ive become a cheap reminder that someone else once exsisted here
but now its me the girl who tears at her skin like its a peice of paper i am cutting
i dont care
i dont see how people can be so mean
am i ever saw through?
cuz i am a nice person
and id die to show you
you who is anyone paying attention
this will never end if i go on so i dont
the end

Fri, Jan. 14th, 2005, 12:25 am
clandestine_ana: (no subject)

I have a damn song stuck in my head and I dont even know who sings it or if I have the words right.
All I know is im hearing,
"SEX BON< SEX BON YOUR MY BON" over and over in my head...but for somereason I think the original lyrics are "CASH BON"
Someone tell me what song this is, before I go stalk mad!

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